I went to animal jail today, I mean, I went to the zoo today. But that's not really what I wanted to talk about. What I really wanted to talk about was this. I don't know if I'm likable. Seriously... I have proof. See, I have this horrible thing I do.  I know when its going to happen. I usually feel “not here”. Having chronic depression, I almost always feel separated from everything around me. I try my best to breathe five counts in.... hold for two counts.... breathe seven counts out slowly... all...fucking..... day.... I try my best to stay calm. I try my best to stay “present”, but I'm always analyzing the past, worrying about the future, (and either breathing in five, holding two, or breathing out seven), all while trying to appear “here”. Here and normal. Here and normal. Not counting to five, two or seven, just here and normal. Five, two, seven, five, two, seven. Five, two, seven. Still here and normal, definitely not counting to five, two and seven. Always just here and normal. 

But here's the horrible thing I do. Sometimes... I am here. I don't need to count. I am shockingly in the moment. So much, that I can tell EVERYTHING that is going to happen next. Do you remember the sound of the wooden roller coaster we used to ride in the endless August nights? It would pull us effortlessly where no human, neverless child should naturally be. But we always hunted that feeling... remember the time we sneaked into our first R rated movie after buying tickets to go see Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey? - we were more frightened of imaginary ushers waving flashlights, and sneakers sticking to candy coated floors, then the woman jumping off the roof onto white picket fences through half-covered eyes. But I digress. The roller coaster... That's how I feel when I'm present. I know that its inevitable, that in a moment, I'm going to go careening down the wooden roller coaster, and sheer momentum will lead me to yell “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!” all the way down.  Its just simple physics I guess. 

And then it happens. My proof. I knew I was going to ask it... 

CHAD: Do you think they really actually like us, and are like... happy being here? You know, like, people and all? 

KIND ZOOKEEPER LADY WHOSE ENTIRE LIFE'S WORK IS CARING FOR THESE GORILLAS: Well, it depends on how you measure happiness, but I would hope so! I mean, the dad always plays with his children when no one is around, and the baby...          .....  nurses or five years......       ......31 years old and he's.....

(Chad trails off, and turns stage right to GORILLA IN CAGE. They make solid eye contact and nod). 

GORILLA IN CAGE: Five, two, seven. 

Chad GosselinComment